Sunday, February 11, 2007

A Spam Break-Up Letter

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(Few people recognize the beauty of the spam email. I have painstakingly composed this letter from bits of spam email I have received. Enjoy the absurdity.)

Dear Bulb-

From day to occipital day, I lived on level alone. Well, here I am helpless at last-thanks to an unseasonable excess of the most powerful aphrodisiac of all, seal penis soup. I know that the Liberal Lord will torture me no longer! This is, however, the far most common final thought experienced by every single Galapooter in the history of Galapooting. Let these remarks suffice on the subject of substance.

Quality, that which takes its character from quality, has a name not called sweet because it is affected in a specific way. All relatives have correlatives: determinate sense. Thus, individual branches of knowledge are not relative. Indeed, if our definition of that which is relative was change in both directions is impossible. It is in the case of space that quantity most plausibly appears to be the contrary of any primary substance. To sum it up, it is a distinctive mark of substance, for one is at the same time both sick and healthy.

Do you remember when we threw a few snowballs at each other, but it was fairly wet and cold and slushy so we didn’t stay out too long? I am beginning to visualize odd magpies flying around as well as big mules blowing out noxious, poisonous gases everywhere. It’s really quite the interesting experience. Have our winter meetings outlived their usefulness? Should we abandon them completely? I do not dare open my eyes for fear I might not be able to stop crying.

Do you recognize this bit of parchment, all of which I took from a small locked portfolio under a yellow hen that was sitting- the chicken that eats the bugs? It reminds me of the time we sat down to enjoy the Sunday morning breakfast of coffee and steak and you thought so hard that the pins and needles began to stick with a violence which would have killed any other boy. And yet I clamored for candy!!! You always chose with taste and judgment.

When we are offered infinite choice, the true shape of demand is revealed. There is a new line in the sand (yet none of this is worthwhile fodder for discussion.) It showed I was not such a good scarecrow, and the copper man stepped off as briskly as any of them. The occasional star agent will always make a bundle- sight is not sight of blindness. Perhaps some explanation of the dilemma may be found? Have you no idea whatever?

I know you are currently a massage therapist and at times, although you love to massage your clients, you wish you had gone to nursing school. I realized that during the fifth time in three years that authorities had detained me in a mental institution because of my protests against forced evictions and abuse of land rights. This was later upgraded to subversion. So please…take time every day to do what you love- move your body, challenge your mind, and know that you can be the best you can be. But I need to practice what I preach.

Today the sunset will be beautiful, as I flick you off, push you in the lake and yell, “I am breaking up with you, you awful!” And why? To make you see the unbelievable truth: that aliens are in the hell-hole called Texas.

Sincerely, Archibold

P.S. You can skip to the end and leave a response. What about flamingos, owls, or chickadees?

7 comments:

The CDP. said...

You have officially lost your damn mind.

Hathery said...

See, I knew you'd catch my drift in the end.

The CDP. said...

I didn't even know you posted.

I'm a bad butler.

Hathery said...

Yeah, you suck pretty bad sometimes.

JT said...

Damn. I've been sontemplating putting together something of this sort myself (though not nearly as creative in purpose) for a month or so. You beat me to the punch! Love it.

Hathery said...

In all fairness, there are entire websites dedicated to spam poetry and the like...so I'm not really that creative when it comes down to it :)

Glad you liked it!

Ravie said...

I'll have to keep this in mind the next time I break up with a boyfriend...