Thursday, August 26, 2004

What to say when there's nothing to say.

I used to be able to write all the time. I would write silly stream of consciousness ramblings, poems that generally ended in comical deaths, and essays on life and everything in between.

I can't write anymore.

Maybe you have to be depressed to have something to say. I used to be depressed, and I used to have a lot to say. I'm much happier now in my life than I have been for quite some time. I'm obviously very pleased with this new-found happiness, but somehow it is slightly unsettling. It seems that in giving up my depression, I've given up my creativity.

I think that's where the dreams come in.

Lately, I have been very tired. It is not because I don't go to bed: I do. I go to bed excruciatingly early, always between 9:30 and 10:30 PM. I wake up, and I'm tired. This is because I have been having way more dreams than I can handle. Very seldom do I remember their specific content, but when I wake up each morning I am aware that they were present the entire night. Sometimes I remember bits and pieces...for example, last night I know that I had a dream about Andy Kempen (who I went to high school with and haven't seen or thought about since) baking me and Sherry and Ben muffins. We wanted to dye the muffins green, and Andy was very opposed to this idea. He tried to take the muffins back, but we made off with them in a mad dash out of the trailer we were staying in. These are the things I dream about. Stupid, nonsensical, psychadelic and often frightening things.

An old dream has come back again.

When I was younger, I used to dream frequently that I was in a bathroom with toilets all around the room. There was never a hint of privacy in this fantasy bathroom...it had no walls between the toilets, and no stalls to speak of. I was always forced to use the toilet in front of whoever was in the room. This was a very very frightening dream to me as a child...I think it always made me anticipate the impending doom that would inevitably be showering in gym class. As it turns out, my mom was full of it and they don't make people shower in gym class anymore. I made it out of that one alive. Anyway, I had the dream again last night. Only this time, in the same public bathroom, Sherry and Ben were watching me and would not leave. I struggled to go to the bathroom, but I couldn't with them watching. They smiled and watched intently. They wouldn't leave. Sherry and Ben...I ask you to stop invading my dreams. Thanks.

It doesn't matter, does it?

According to modern psychology, excessive dreaming is a sign of depression. I do not feel depressed anymore. I feel as close to normal as I will probably ever be. So why the dreams? I think that maybe I have learned how to control my fears and apprehensions...unfortunately, since I do not immediately solve them with creative gestures like writing or drawing any longer, I am forced to do it creatively through dreams.

Dreaming is hard work.

It tires out my brain. This wouldn't matter if I were able to remember the dreams when I wake up. Then I could write them down, and have a wealth of creativity again. I would no longer scrap for ideas, or write worthless posts like the one you are reading. Sucks to be me, though, because my dreams are nonsense. Even if I try to recall them, the imagery is too strange for words. I could write craptastic art-novels based on the stuff of my dreams, but I could never tell it the way I know it needs to be told. As it seems, the over-abundance of dreams I have to face every night is worthless to me.

I wonder if they'll go away?

10 comments:

teenage adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Love the fun blog, came across it while having a break. Ta.

children adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Awesome post!

kid with adhd said...

Hello H hery,

Your What to say when there's nothing to say. post caught my attention while I was doing some research on teenage adhd.

I am currently in the process of creating a holistic treatment program for adhd. The idea is to integrate various treatment modalities so that anyone can benefit.

Would you care to share some of the secrets that you have gleaned from adhd.

My subscribers would certainly appreciate any insight that you have to offer.

Thank you for your post, it was a good read.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Warmest regards,
Hoe Bing

child with adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Thanks for the post, looking forward to more great stuff.

youth adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Awesome post!

youth adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Love the fun blog, came across it while having a break. Ta.

adhd in children said...

Hello H hery,

Thank you for your informative blog, it is good to see that people are still sharing their knowledge and experience.

I am currently working on finding the latest information on children adhd when I came across your site. My passion is in the area of children adhd and after finding your blog, I believe we have a real synergy and that my subsrcibers would benefit from your perspective on the topic.

I would very much appreciate it if you would take the time to have a look at my adhdpodcaster blog. If you think that we do have a common goal (which I think we do), then please feel free to post any relevant information to the blog.

Whatever area that ties into adhd would be fine, even if it is with relation to personal development (especially time management), you know how notoriously hard it is to keep track of time especially for us :)

Anyways, really looking forward to your post.

Thank you for the blog, keep up the good work

Warmest regards,
Hoe Bing

kid with adhd said...

Hi H hery,

Sounds great.

kid with adhd said...

Hello H hery,

Your What to say when there's nothing to say. post caught my attention while I was doing some research on kid with adhd.

I am currently in the process of creating a holistic treatment program for adhd. The idea is to integrate various treatment modalities so that anyone can benefit.

Would you care to share some of the secrets that you have gleaned from adhd.

My subscribers would certainly appreciate any insight that you have to offer.

Thank you for your post, it was a good read.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Warmest regards,
Hoe Bing

teenager with adhd said...

Hi H hery,

After much heavy reading your blog provided just the right amount of fun. Thank you :)